To the man in the blue jeep checking me out today,
Yes, I have a pretty nice, black, gangsta looking expedition. It's big and dark and yes would take your vehicle out in a second. And yup my driving is better than most women on the road and this chick is jammin to music. But what you don't see through my tinted windows are my 3 most treasured possesions ever. My babies. And we are jamming and singing prasies to our God. I'm a honest woman dedicated to my husband for the last 15 years. So go ahead and look but you have no chance and I don't think I'm what you are looking for anyways.
Blessings,
Angela
8.12.2013
My green-eyed monster
Just when you start thinking "I'm so glad I'm not like that" it creeps up on you. It comes in many forms. Most are horrid. Most are the normal gimmies or thinking "how much stuff is there?" ~ a quote Larry from Veggie Tales Madame Blueberry. Some are hanging out with depression. But some are lurking in sadness.
Jealously.
My normal jealous tendencies hang out with my depression. When I want to switch bodies with that women I pass in the grocery store or the one I get my sweat on beside in the gym, that would be my jealous self.
But lately there is another one that pops up on facebook. When your tagged in their pictures and that little brown skin, brown eyed boy shows his face, it comes. I find my self hating that they are with you. Holding MY nephew. And I hate them. Not them as a person and certainly not their work in His kingdom, but totally undeniably hate that I'm not them at that moment. The pictures are all double sided. I love them and then I cry. I'm sure you do the same. And it sucks. God and I are working on this monster I have, and I pray that someday it gets smaller. But for now it lurks and is damaging to my soul.
I have a feeling it's mutual. And for that I'm sorry.
Jealously.
My normal jealous tendencies hang out with my depression. When I want to switch bodies with that women I pass in the grocery store or the one I get my sweat on beside in the gym, that would be my jealous self.
But lately there is another one that pops up on facebook. When your tagged in their pictures and that little brown skin, brown eyed boy shows his face, it comes. I find my self hating that they are with you. Holding MY nephew. And I hate them. Not them as a person and certainly not their work in His kingdom, but totally undeniably hate that I'm not them at that moment. The pictures are all double sided. I love them and then I cry. I'm sure you do the same. And it sucks. God and I are working on this monster I have, and I pray that someday it gets smaller. But for now it lurks and is damaging to my soul.
I have a feeling it's mutual. And for that I'm sorry.
1.07.2013
Trich
So Rudolph and Del-mar are doing well :)
She's telling me when she "needs hair", so the openness seems to be working. The frantic look and desperation in her voice when she tells me this is reassuring that this is very real.
We've taken out the shame and scolding which was only because we were ignorant to the disease. Openness and positivity has been life changing.
I don't believe we found newly pulled hair so that tells me it's working. Little prickly hairs tell me it's true!
It will be interesting to see how her anixiety and stress is handled when she starts kindergarten in the fall. She is so looking forward to it! I think I'm more nervous than her. I'm ready for it and I'm not. If trich comes back full force homeschooling is always an option that I'd be for 100%.
The hairball that Alyssa carries around is still a bit weird to me, but I'll take weird before bald little girl any day.
Well that's where we are at today. I feel good, happy with the changes we've made as a family.
I thank God daily for my 3 beautiful children who may have issues but they are ultimately happy and healthy that is huge!
She's telling me when she "needs hair", so the openness seems to be working. The frantic look and desperation in her voice when she tells me this is reassuring that this is very real.
We've taken out the shame and scolding which was only because we were ignorant to the disease. Openness and positivity has been life changing.
I don't believe we found newly pulled hair so that tells me it's working. Little prickly hairs tell me it's true!
It will be interesting to see how her anixiety and stress is handled when she starts kindergarten in the fall. She is so looking forward to it! I think I'm more nervous than her. I'm ready for it and I'm not. If trich comes back full force homeschooling is always an option that I'd be for 100%.
The hairball that Alyssa carries around is still a bit weird to me, but I'll take weird before bald little girl any day.
Well that's where we are at today. I feel good, happy with the changes we've made as a family.
I thank God daily for my 3 beautiful children who may have issues but they are ultimately happy and healthy that is huge!
12.19.2012
Our lives with Trichotillomania
"Tricho....what"?
Many have never heard of the word. Most never will. But as a Mom watching my daughter struggle with something I hit the internet determined to figure out what was going on in her 5 year old brain. What I found was the 5 year old brain is much more complex than I had ever hoped to need to investigate.
Trichotillomania:
(trick-o-til-o-MAY-nee-ah) is a disorder that causes people to pull out the hair from their scalp, eyelashes, eyebrows, pubic area, underarms, beard, chest, legs or other parts of the body, resulting in noticeable bald patches. Hair pulling varies greatly in its severity, location on the body, and response to treatment. For some people, at some times, trichotillomania is mild and can be quelled with a bit of extra awareness and concentration. For others, at times the urge may be so strong that it makes thinking of anything else nearly impossible.
Trichotillomania (also referred to as TTM or "trich") is currently defined as an impulse control disorder but there are still questions about how it should be classified. It may seem to resemble a habit, an addiction, a tic disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Most recently, it is being conceptualized as part of a family of "body-focused repetitive behaviors" (BFRBs) along with skin picking and nail biting.
So there you have it. Still not sure what it is? Check out this website www.trich.org . It is loaded with information and helps me not feel so alone in this.
As a baby Alyssa always showed interest in my hair. Me, being a first time Mom, loved it. She would touch it while she nursed and nuzzle in it when she napped. Cute. As a toddler she would chase our cat and pull out handfuls of his black hair and shove it in her mouth. Gross. As a three year old she would her own hair on her cheek while sucking her fingers, which she's always done since birth. At four she had beautiful long hair and begun to tangle the bottom into knots. I was frustrated and scolded her often. Then cut it to shoulder length. I was not ready to say there was somthing wrong with my baby. As she turned five she began to pull it out. Right on top at the back of her part. At first I just found little hairballs and was thinking she was pulling out her knots. Then one day as I was brushing her hair I noticed a 2x2" area that was sparce. My heart sunk. The lump in my throat was huge. I felt ill. Sick. Sad. She's been five for 3 months. The area has gotten much larger and emptier. We've tried alot. First out of frustration we scolded, even yelled. Yes, I know it was wrong, but it was just two parents who didn't have a clue what to do. Now that we've identified it we are trying other methods. Rather than have her hide it we are openly talking about it. Yes, she says it hurts but she "has to do it." She also has several knots/clusters of hair that she has named (Del-Mar and Rudolph) and is keeping in a small bag. Totally weird I know but my thinking is if I let her keep it rather than demanding that she throw it out she may not pull more out. We will see. I also try to keep a ponytail in, and today she's wearing a cute hat. Both make it difficult to pull. I just purchased a book on trichotillomania and several fiddgets (toys to occupy ones fingers). I've joined several forums and have been doing alot of research.
Alyssa's actions fit this disorder exactly. I have no question this is what it is. Now the only questions in my mind are what the heck do I do? Hypnosis? Therapy? Medication? All are suggested, none proven.
What can I do? What can you do? Keep her busy! When her fingers are busy they are not pulling. We had a pretty good morning painting which she loves. And it's better not to say anything. No scolding, questioning, or anything. It seems that the more attention we put on stopping the worse it is.Today I'm taking it one day at a time. Prayers are appreciated.
Many have never heard of the word. Most never will. But as a Mom watching my daughter struggle with something I hit the internet determined to figure out what was going on in her 5 year old brain. What I found was the 5 year old brain is much more complex than I had ever hoped to need to investigate.
Trichotillomania:
(trick-o-til-o-MAY-nee-ah) is a disorder that causes people to pull out the hair from their scalp, eyelashes, eyebrows, pubic area, underarms, beard, chest, legs or other parts of the body, resulting in noticeable bald patches. Hair pulling varies greatly in its severity, location on the body, and response to treatment. For some people, at some times, trichotillomania is mild and can be quelled with a bit of extra awareness and concentration. For others, at times the urge may be so strong that it makes thinking of anything else nearly impossible.
Trichotillomania (also referred to as TTM or "trich") is currently defined as an impulse control disorder but there are still questions about how it should be classified. It may seem to resemble a habit, an addiction, a tic disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Most recently, it is being conceptualized as part of a family of "body-focused repetitive behaviors" (BFRBs) along with skin picking and nail biting.
So there you have it. Still not sure what it is? Check out this website www.trich.org . It is loaded with information and helps me not feel so alone in this.
As a baby Alyssa always showed interest in my hair. Me, being a first time Mom, loved it. She would touch it while she nursed and nuzzle in it when she napped. Cute. As a toddler she would chase our cat and pull out handfuls of his black hair and shove it in her mouth. Gross. As a three year old she would her own hair on her cheek while sucking her fingers, which she's always done since birth. At four she had beautiful long hair and begun to tangle the bottom into knots. I was frustrated and scolded her often. Then cut it to shoulder length. I was not ready to say there was somthing wrong with my baby. As she turned five she began to pull it out. Right on top at the back of her part. At first I just found little hairballs and was thinking she was pulling out her knots. Then one day as I was brushing her hair I noticed a 2x2" area that was sparce. My heart sunk. The lump in my throat was huge. I felt ill. Sick. Sad. She's been five for 3 months. The area has gotten much larger and emptier. We've tried alot. First out of frustration we scolded, even yelled. Yes, I know it was wrong, but it was just two parents who didn't have a clue what to do. Now that we've identified it we are trying other methods. Rather than have her hide it we are openly talking about it. Yes, she says it hurts but she "has to do it." She also has several knots/clusters of hair that she has named (Del-Mar and Rudolph) and is keeping in a small bag. Totally weird I know but my thinking is if I let her keep it rather than demanding that she throw it out she may not pull more out. We will see. I also try to keep a ponytail in, and today she's wearing a cute hat. Both make it difficult to pull. I just purchased a book on trichotillomania and several fiddgets (toys to occupy ones fingers). I've joined several forums and have been doing alot of research.
Alyssa's actions fit this disorder exactly. I have no question this is what it is. Now the only questions in my mind are what the heck do I do? Hypnosis? Therapy? Medication? All are suggested, none proven.
What can I do? What can you do? Keep her busy! When her fingers are busy they are not pulling. We had a pretty good morning painting which she loves. And it's better not to say anything. No scolding, questioning, or anything. It seems that the more attention we put on stopping the worse it is.Today I'm taking it one day at a time. Prayers are appreciated.
7.07.2012
Week 7 on WW
WW, yup you've guessed it Weight Watchers.
Nico was about 6 weeks old when I got up enough nerve and a bit of encouragement from an aunt to start thinking about myself again. It had been way too long! Dragging my butt out of bed at 6:30am on a Saturday, after only 5 hours of sleep isn't fun let me tell you. Baby number 3 is taking a toll. Maybe it's not really him but that it's NUMBER THREE! Oye, I don't know how the mama's with 10 do it. What were they thinking???? So after 3 babies and hitting my big 3-0 here I am.
I lost about 24 pounds before I set my foot in the WW meeting. And yes, I was pregnant and Nico was 9.2lbs of that. My big boy! To date in WW I've lost another 19 pounds. 19 pounds in 7 weeks? Not too shabby. Still a long long way. And honestly nobody notices those 43 pounds. How sad is that? Depressing but I'm not doing it for any of you. For me and my babies. I want to see each and everyone of them grow up, get married, and have my grandbabies. That's what we all live for anyways right?!
It's amazing the difference a simple meeting can make. Yes, I already know what they are saying. Losing weight isn't rocket science but it is a long long journey for most of us and it helps to hang with others on the same journey.
My struggle.... exercise. I simply loath it. I hate sweat. I'm just too much of a girl. So needless to say my current work out is simply running after the kids, playing at the park, going for a quick walk and lifting my son up and down. That I can stick to. All the runners can run on without me. You won't find me out there, especially in this 100 degree heat! Maybe some day when it's much, much cooler.
My strength? Finding new ways too cook and experiment with substitution. White pasta for wheat pasta? Yup and it's wonderful. And as long as I can forget the disgusted look on my hubbies face I'll make it again and again tell him how much better it is for him. A new recipe this week? Chocolate chip cheesecake. Yes, I said it CHEESECAKE! The photo was beautiful and sucked me right in and for 6 points I'll take it. I was super surprised to see the ingredients. For a girl who could never get over the look of cottage cheese give her a recipe with chocolate and cottage cheese and she'll try it! Yummy! The only thing I would do different is exchange the 2t. of almond extract for 1t. of vanilla. Other than that follow the recipe and yours will look just like this...
The next recipe I'm going to try...
Nico was about 6 weeks old when I got up enough nerve and a bit of encouragement from an aunt to start thinking about myself again. It had been way too long! Dragging my butt out of bed at 6:30am on a Saturday, after only 5 hours of sleep isn't fun let me tell you. Baby number 3 is taking a toll. Maybe it's not really him but that it's NUMBER THREE! Oye, I don't know how the mama's with 10 do it. What were they thinking???? So after 3 babies and hitting my big 3-0 here I am.
I lost about 24 pounds before I set my foot in the WW meeting. And yes, I was pregnant and Nico was 9.2lbs of that. My big boy! To date in WW I've lost another 19 pounds. 19 pounds in 7 weeks? Not too shabby. Still a long long way. And honestly nobody notices those 43 pounds. How sad is that? Depressing but I'm not doing it for any of you. For me and my babies. I want to see each and everyone of them grow up, get married, and have my grandbabies. That's what we all live for anyways right?!
It's amazing the difference a simple meeting can make. Yes, I already know what they are saying. Losing weight isn't rocket science but it is a long long journey for most of us and it helps to hang with others on the same journey.
My struggle.... exercise. I simply loath it. I hate sweat. I'm just too much of a girl. So needless to say my current work out is simply running after the kids, playing at the park, going for a quick walk and lifting my son up and down. That I can stick to. All the runners can run on without me. You won't find me out there, especially in this 100 degree heat! Maybe some day when it's much, much cooler.
My strength? Finding new ways too cook and experiment with substitution. White pasta for wheat pasta? Yup and it's wonderful. And as long as I can forget the disgusted look on my hubbies face I'll make it again and again tell him how much better it is for him. A new recipe this week? Chocolate chip cheesecake. Yes, I said it CHEESECAKE! The photo was beautiful and sucked me right in and for 6 points I'll take it. I was super surprised to see the ingredients. For a girl who could never get over the look of cottage cheese give her a recipe with chocolate and cottage cheese and she'll try it! Yummy! The only thing I would do different is exchange the 2t. of almond extract for 1t. of vanilla. Other than that follow the recipe and yours will look just like this...
The next recipe I'm going to try...
So I encourage you to do something for yourself today.
Something to make your life better.
Get out there and LIVE!
5.25.2012
To my Peanut- A Love Letter
Alyssa,
We called you peanut from day one. I don't know why. Maybe it was because you were so darn cute and it just seemed to fit. Plus I love peanuts :) Daddy and I wanted you and prayed for you for a long time. Seemed like forever but you finally made it into our arms 2 days after your due date. 8lbs 6oz of pure cuteness. You were the best baby, so happy and content. I left my job to spend my days with just you! We spent alot of time just snuggling which is why you love to snuggle so much. We would nap together any afternoon I could take time to relax. You insisted on laying in my arms and fell asleep right away. You still to this day want to sleep smack up against me, daddy or your sister. You have a bunk bed but we often find you on the bottom bunk with Giana, or her in your top bunk. You loved my hair and would have your fingers in it every second you could. I thought it was cute, then you got you own. Now, 4 years later, you still twist and tangle it. We would find knots that were impossible to get out! You had a ton of hair when you were born and it grew and grew. In December 2011, I cut it trying to help the tangling habit. I know someday we will look back on this and laugh, just not today :) You have alot of habits, just like I did when I was little and still do. You love your hair, you like to suck your two middle fingers on your right hand (they are always wet!), you like to pick the edges of your thumbs, and love to pick any boo boo you might have. I think you like to see how long they last. The last one on your forehead lasted 8 weeks! All these things make up you. I love you.
You are so smart! By 2 you knew your alphabet and were jabbering like crazy. We go to Neighbors Together every Tuesday morning where you are in a preschool class. You were always ahead on your learning: numbers, letters, writing, mathmatics, and you love art and painting. I get one more year with you home before your off to Kindergarten. I'm going to miss you but I know you will do great! I love how smart you are.
You also enjoy Sunday School. You have attended church since you were 16 days old. You love it! You enjoy the singing time, drawing pictures and learning about Jesus. We ask you each week what you learned and you always have something to tell us. If I ask you what you think about Jesus you say "I think God and Jesus have strong power!" I love that you are a child of God and know him already.
You love making new friends. Just the other day we were at Barely Used Clothing store and another little girl came to the play area. You just walked right up to her and said "I'm Alyssa, what's your name? I wear size 11 shoe, what size do you wear?" (p.s. you love shoes! Anytime someone comes over to the house you try on theirs. You did this since about 18 months old!) Anywhere we go there are "new" friends to be made. I love that you make friends so easily.
Right now you love playing with Pollys, playdoh, Barbies and love your swingset and sandbox. You love watching TV (mommy wishes you didn't). You LOVE to paint and ask to paint practically every day. You also love swimming. You don't know how to actually swim yet but do very well with swimmies. We have a hot tub and baby pool but Uncle Pat and Amy have a pool and you can't wait to swim when it's warmer. You usually ask to set up a pool weekly during the winter :) You love playing with Giana, but you also fight constently over toys. We enjoy going to the park on nice days and you love riding your bike. Its a blue and pink big girls bike with training wheels. You actually ride pretty slow :) I'm ok with this. You love to sing, dance, and pretend. You know lots of songs and are constently singing. You actually hold a tune well and your NT teacher said you lead the singing time in class and do so well. You also make up random songs. I think maybe you will be in chorus :) I love watching you play and sing.
Dress-up is a favorite thing to do. You are always changing your clothes. From frilly tutus to summer dresses, you just love dresses and changing them. Somedays you change 5 times. Therefore your room is a mess of clothes no matter how much I try to keep after. I love your fashion.
You have quite the personality. You are very opioniated and sometimes quite moody. But you still are my baby. I think you will be a very strong woman when you get older. I love your sass.
You have a new baby brother and you are so helpful. You help me get diapers and often soothe him when he's crying by singing. You also help Giana with lots of things. Your an awesome big sister.
I think I could go on and on forever. You are just an awesome little girl. At 43lbs and 4 1/2 years old you still steal my heart. I know you will go on to do great things and be a light to others. Your daddy and I love you so so much!
Some of your current favorites...
Favorite TV shows: "Dora and the movie sleeping beauty"
Favorite Color: "Blue and Pink"
Favorite Food: "Peas, and carrots, and brocoli, vegtables are good for me" (A song learned at NT)
Favorite Snack: "crackers"
Best Friend: "Harper and Joe and Korinne and Khloe."
Favorite Toy: "Lemon Meringue and Barbies"
When I grow up: "I'm gonna be in a parade and play the trumpet." (Yea, that was random, lol)
Favorite Song: "The tree one. I made it up" (You do this often)
Favorite Place to go: "To Chuckie Cheese"
Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy
We called you peanut from day one. I don't know why. Maybe it was because you were so darn cute and it just seemed to fit. Plus I love peanuts :) Daddy and I wanted you and prayed for you for a long time. Seemed like forever but you finally made it into our arms 2 days after your due date. 8lbs 6oz of pure cuteness. You were the best baby, so happy and content. I left my job to spend my days with just you! We spent alot of time just snuggling which is why you love to snuggle so much. We would nap together any afternoon I could take time to relax. You insisted on laying in my arms and fell asleep right away. You still to this day want to sleep smack up against me, daddy or your sister. You have a bunk bed but we often find you on the bottom bunk with Giana, or her in your top bunk. You loved my hair and would have your fingers in it every second you could. I thought it was cute, then you got you own. Now, 4 years later, you still twist and tangle it. We would find knots that were impossible to get out! You had a ton of hair when you were born and it grew and grew. In December 2011, I cut it trying to help the tangling habit. I know someday we will look back on this and laugh, just not today :) You have alot of habits, just like I did when I was little and still do. You love your hair, you like to suck your two middle fingers on your right hand (they are always wet!), you like to pick the edges of your thumbs, and love to pick any boo boo you might have. I think you like to see how long they last. The last one on your forehead lasted 8 weeks! All these things make up you. I love you.
You are so smart! By 2 you knew your alphabet and were jabbering like crazy. We go to Neighbors Together every Tuesday morning where you are in a preschool class. You were always ahead on your learning: numbers, letters, writing, mathmatics, and you love art and painting. I get one more year with you home before your off to Kindergarten. I'm going to miss you but I know you will do great! I love how smart you are.
You also enjoy Sunday School. You have attended church since you were 16 days old. You love it! You enjoy the singing time, drawing pictures and learning about Jesus. We ask you each week what you learned and you always have something to tell us. If I ask you what you think about Jesus you say "I think God and Jesus have strong power!" I love that you are a child of God and know him already.
You love making new friends. Just the other day we were at Barely Used Clothing store and another little girl came to the play area. You just walked right up to her and said "I'm Alyssa, what's your name? I wear size 11 shoe, what size do you wear?" (p.s. you love shoes! Anytime someone comes over to the house you try on theirs. You did this since about 18 months old!) Anywhere we go there are "new" friends to be made. I love that you make friends so easily.
Right now you love playing with Pollys, playdoh, Barbies and love your swingset and sandbox. You love watching TV (mommy wishes you didn't). You LOVE to paint and ask to paint practically every day. You also love swimming. You don't know how to actually swim yet but do very well with swimmies. We have a hot tub and baby pool but Uncle Pat and Amy have a pool and you can't wait to swim when it's warmer. You usually ask to set up a pool weekly during the winter :) You love playing with Giana, but you also fight constently over toys. We enjoy going to the park on nice days and you love riding your bike. Its a blue and pink big girls bike with training wheels. You actually ride pretty slow :) I'm ok with this. You love to sing, dance, and pretend. You know lots of songs and are constently singing. You actually hold a tune well and your NT teacher said you lead the singing time in class and do so well. You also make up random songs. I think maybe you will be in chorus :) I love watching you play and sing.
Dress-up is a favorite thing to do. You are always changing your clothes. From frilly tutus to summer dresses, you just love dresses and changing them. Somedays you change 5 times. Therefore your room is a mess of clothes no matter how much I try to keep after. I love your fashion.
You have quite the personality. You are very opioniated and sometimes quite moody. But you still are my baby. I think you will be a very strong woman when you get older. I love your sass.
You have a new baby brother and you are so helpful. You help me get diapers and often soothe him when he's crying by singing. You also help Giana with lots of things. Your an awesome big sister.
I think I could go on and on forever. You are just an awesome little girl. At 43lbs and 4 1/2 years old you still steal my heart. I know you will go on to do great things and be a light to others. Your daddy and I love you so so much!
Some of your current favorites...
Favorite TV shows: "Dora and the movie sleeping beauty"
Favorite Color: "Blue and Pink"
Favorite Food: "Peas, and carrots, and brocoli, vegtables are good for me" (A song learned at NT)
Favorite Snack: "crackers"
Best Friend: "Harper and Joe and Korinne and Khloe."
Favorite Toy: "Lemon Meringue and Barbies"
When I grow up: "I'm gonna be in a parade and play the trumpet." (Yea, that was random, lol)
Favorite Song: "The tree one. I made it up" (You do this often)
Favorite Place to go: "To Chuckie Cheese"
Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy
Love letters
I came across a blog that once in a while would write letters to their children. I loved it. I was only sad that I hadn't started sooner. Although I scrapbook, I haven't been one to document every silly saying and every monument. I know, I'm ashamed. I totally should be noting all the hilarious stuff they say. Most is on Facebook, but who looks back at that?? Anyways I thought I would start by writing each of my darlings a note on my blog. Its a start right? Maybe someday when I'm gone they will come across it. Or maybe there won't even be internet or blogs? Who knows. But anyways at least I have good intentions.
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